1 ONE/TWO LINE JOKES
1 Q: Why don’t skeletons fight with each other?
A: They don’t have the guts!
2. Woman to husband: Tell me all about your day.. but leave out the boring parts like things you said things you did.
3 YOU ARE A POLICE OFFICER
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driving license.
She dug through her purse getting more and more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.” It’s square and has your picture on it” the policewoman replied. The driver finally found a small, square vanity mirror in her purse and handed it to the policewoman. ”Here it is” she said.The blonde policewoman looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying…OK you can go. I didn’t realise you were a Police officer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.!!!
5 Woman to husband: 25 years ago, you were going to change the world. Now I’m lucky, if you change your socks!!!
6 I’m the size of an elephant, but I weigh nothing. What am I? An elephant’s shadow.
7. WEEKEND
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000”, the jeweler said.The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. OIL AND GAS
Friend: Where does your husband work?
Wife: He’s with Oil & Gas.
Friend: Wow… where is he based?
Wife: Kitchen!!!
9. HE IS ON THE BACK- I AM CARRYING
Kangenya and his wife Mutango received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas.
SHE WROTE: My beloved Parents, I miss u so much & it breaks my heart to think that by d time i get back, you will be too old.
So, enclosed you will find a bottle of a red portion i have invented. It will make u young, so when i return, you will be the same age as i left u.
NOTE: “Pls, take only a drop.” GoodBye I love u!
So they opened the envelope & in it, is a bottle with a red portion. The man looked at his wife & says U go first”. So Mutango takes a drop, thereafter Kangenya follows.
Indeed the wife turns 5yrs younger. Years later, the daughter returned home to find her mother young & pretty, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how d portion worked & made her look young. The daughter was happy & asks where her father was. “Your Father? Hmmmmm,, ur father was so jealous that I was so young and beautiful, so he drank the whole bottle.
Whaaaat? So where is he?” replied her daughter. Hmmmm, he is the one I am carrying on my back.!!!
10 Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing..
11 I used to think drinking is bad for me. So I stopped thinking.
12 WILL YOU BUY IT
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table….
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of “The wolf of wall street” movie..
So I took the laptop and left.. – left…!!
Then what ? Nothing, 30 minutes later, he called me up… begging me to return his laptop to him because all his work and important documents were in it… so I asked him: Will you buy it ?
!!!!!
13 Wife : “why are u home so early?” Hubby : “My boss said go to hell!”
14 Doctor : How is Your headache ? Patient : she’s out of town.
15 No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life: (1) Mobile (2) Automobile (3) TV (4) Wife. Because, there is always a better model in neighbourhood
16 Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
17 Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.
18. It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that. The slide show begins.
19 Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them.
20 Q – You know why women love shoes? Ans – Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit.
21. Q – Why can’t Women Drive well? Ans – Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
22 Q – Why can’t Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans – There are no Shopping Centers..
23 Q – How to save a Dying Woman? Ans – Tell her about a 90% discount Sale going on somewhere..
24 Q – If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it? Ans – Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
25. The woman who invented the phrase … “All men are the same” was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.
26 There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened….
27 Wives are magicians….They can change anything into an argument.
28. Women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, as compared to men. WHY? A very INTELLIGENT man replied: Women don’t have a wife!
29. If a beautiful women go for walk daily she improves the health of ten men
30 Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it
31 I have never taken exercise other than resting and sleeping
32. People ask me if were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat’. Steven Wright.
3 3 I am writing a kitchen mystery. It is full of saucepans..
34. I don’t need the solar system. My whole world revolves around you.
Hope you enjoyed!
Au revoir!
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